Too much death...

I feel like Phoebe on friends when she is shooing the bad karma/vibes away from her body with her hands when I think about how I feel right now.
Too much death this month. Too many bad feelings. I hate when I feel "off". And that is what death does for me. It makes me feel unsettled. Like the world isn't right.
A close friend of the family died last nite. He was my brothers best friend since they were like in kindergarten. He was 47. It was expected, but then again, death always shocks. He was suffering greatly from the ravages of cancer, so I try to look at it as he hopefully won't have to suffer anymore.

No Hope?

and I quote an email.... "She had been spiraling downward for the last two years – depression, etc. XXX committed suicide. No hope left in her. She left notes for her family. Very sad. "

No hope? jesus christ..that's all we have in life is "hope". No hope?...................... "why"?

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?????? YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE COME...

Shock and Awe

I live in a different city than I grew up. So about twice a week I will go out to my hometown newspaper website and "catch up". At my age, I also read the obits.
Imagine my shock when the first name that popped up on the obit page was a gal that I was best friends with for about 10 years. We were inseparable.
We parted ways about 6 years ago. It was hard remaining close whilst living in different cities. Also, we both changed. I married, she didn't, but desperately wanted to. I had a child, she didn't, but desperately wanted one. I had gastric bypass and she was totally against it. More and more as we got together a coupla times a year, our conversations were filled with conflict.
Over the past few years I have been "maturing", hitting that age where you think about what matters and what doesn't. I thought about this gal many times and the stoopidity of our conflicts. I thought about all the wonderful times we spent together. There are very few people on this earth that I can sit and talk with and never run out of things to say and not bore the living hell out of me. After 10 or so years of friendship, we could still sit for 24 hours and just b.s. about everything and anything.
She was alot of fun, she had an infectious laugh, she was very smart, etc... and I missed her.
I attempted to contact her twice over the past year. She never responded. I guess we were beyond repair.
I don't know what killed her. All signs point to suicide, but I don't know.
Whatever it was, I am saddened more than I could ever imagine.

Choices

It's 7:35 a.m. and I wanted to write a new post, as I've been wanting lately to put more effort into my blog. Alas, I have school work that should have been done Thursday nite.
So since my bff and I are going shopping for a futon this afternoon and then pickling our brains with a little of this:









and this:




Whilst we do this:



Being 45 years old, I guess I have to take the high road and complete my assignments.