Suicidal?

My last blog may seem like I'm suicidal, but I'm not. Far from it.
I'm just realizing mortality.
Today we attended a memorial service for someone that was in the group of "not recognized", but "should have been worthy".
Shannon was someone I barely knew. All I know is that he loved his dogs (couldn't live without their companionship), woodworking and motorcycles.
I knew him through my husband (used to work with his wife). We live around the corner and take/took care of their pups when they went on vacation.
I was at the memorial service in support of his wife. When we grieve, it is selfish, no? We cry for ourselves. Not the dead.
Anyhow, death at this age makes one realize more mortality. I don't know that anyone grieves mortality more than woman. Either than, or men just don't talk about it. lol
Anyhow, there was barely anyone at the service. Maybe 20 of us. Tops.
Not even the co-workers of his wife (employed by the company for many years) showed up.
I was more than pissed. WTF is wrong with people?
I told my husband that I don't want all that.
Throw a party at whatever house we live in with lotsa booze, lotsa music and lotsa laughing.
Put my ashes on the mantel with a big sign with my name, Maui Bound and a big arrow pointing toward the FedEx box.