Suicidal?

My last blog may seem like I'm suicidal, but I'm not. Far from it.
I'm just realizing mortality.
Today we attended a memorial service for someone that was in the group of "not recognized", but "should have been worthy".
Shannon was someone I barely knew. All I know is that he loved his dogs (couldn't live without their companionship), woodworking and motorcycles.
I knew him through my husband (used to work with his wife). We live around the corner and take/took care of their pups when they went on vacation.
I was at the memorial service in support of his wife. When we grieve, it is selfish, no? We cry for ourselves. Not the dead.
Anyhow, death at this age makes one realize more mortality. I don't know that anyone grieves mortality more than woman. Either than, or men just don't talk about it. lol
Anyhow, there was barely anyone at the service. Maybe 20 of us. Tops.
Not even the co-workers of his wife (employed by the company for many years) showed up.
I was more than pissed. WTF is wrong with people?
I told my husband that I don't want all that.
Throw a party at whatever house we live in with lotsa booze, lotsa music and lotsa laughing.
Put my ashes on the mantel with a big sign with my name, Maui Bound and a big arrow pointing toward the FedEx box.

How Do You Learn To Just "Exist"?

At the age of 10 I wanted to be a singing star.
At the age of 20 I wanted to be a singing star.
At the age of 30 I wanted to be a singing star.
At the age of 43....I "still" want to be a singing star.
Somehow I don't see that happening.
Since I was a child, and realized I could sing, I always thought I was something special. That God had given me a gift.
I would hide away in my room and sing to my records. I naturally harmonized with John Denver. My Mother would pound on my door telling me to turn down the stereo. Problem was...it wasn't loud. It was me. In highschool, parents would comment on how I had "it". Passing on college (a long post for another day), I did the northeast Ohio rock circuit. The whole while people I didn't even know coming up to me stating I was wasting my time where I was, because I had "it". All my musician friends told me to move. Nashville, NYC, LA...anywhere but where I was because I had "it". This is when I realized I could sing.
Singing was my passion. It is what I lived for, breathed for.
Now...at the age of 43...I have come to the horrid realization that it's "probably" not going to happen.
How does one learn to not be special? How does one learn to just exist as everyone else does?
How are people happy just living in Craptown, USA, punching a clock, making dinner, living paycheck to paycheck?
How does one learn to basically just sit and wait to die? Isn't that what we are all doing? Some lives more exciting than others?

Time To Say Good-Bye

The hardest part of the realization of mortality phase of life is saying good bye.
Good bye to the dreams that you kept in the attic of your brain thinking that "someday" they would come to fruition.
Good bye to the possibility of having a great body after abusing it for so long.
Good bye to ever becoming rich without the aid of winning the lottery.
I keep reading that it's possible to reinvent yourself at this stage in life. I think I'm slowly but surely coming out of it and accepting life as it is, but this is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. And I've been through ALOT of chit!

Socially Retarded

I've decided that some people just shouldn't associate with other humans.
I am one of those people.
All my life I have tried to "fit in".
I've never had allot of friends in my life. I usually have 1 or 2. I've not had any friends that have lasted all my life.
In my early 20's I played in rock bands. I was the lead singer. "Friends" came out of the woodwork. I would walk into a bar and people would be all around me buying me drinks. Yet my phone would never ring. My date card empty.
When I left the band, the "friends" left me.
I have a hard time making friends. I have a hard time keeping them.
No one ever or has ever called me to go to movies or shopping. No one has ever thrown me a birthday party, aside from my Mom.
At the age of 43, this still baffles me as I have always been the shoulder to cry on, always available, thrown birthday parties, always given the gifts that "mean" something....etc...etc... Never asking anything in return.
Aside from a Birthday cake made from scratch and sent from another state, I've never received a heartfelt gift. I can count on 1 hand how many times in 43 years I've been asked out on a date.
I have never been accepted into any "clique" at any of my jobs or when I was in high school. Even though I have excelled at all my jobs to the point where everyone knew who I was. In High School, I was known for my singing.
Is it because I refuse to attend any type of party that resembles "Tupperware" or "candle" sales?
I have no clue.
I've attempted at gatherings with new people to have casual conversation (the weather, movies, et. al). I've tried deep conversation. I've tried debate/discussion. I've tried the opposite by being cold, snobbish, etc..
To no avail.
For some reason I always get looked at like I'm from Mars.
I've had people just turn and walk away from me.
So I have just come to the conclusion that I am socially retarded.
Had the Internet been as popular back when I was 25, I'm sure I would have lived my life online.

Noctaluca

Went to the CD release party for these guys Friday nite at the Madison Theatre in Covington, KY.
I don't know if something was up with their sound system or sound man, but the live show wasn't even relatively close to the perfection of their CD.
Maybe it was where I was sitting. Maybe it was the lady sitting a table away drenched in Windsong (you remember Windsong cologne...ugh!).
I met the band after the show. SUPER nice guys. Very humble. I could sense their excitement. That was very cool.
On my way home from Cincy, I listened to the CD. VERY awesome! Quite the mix of influences. From Rap, to Heavy metal, to Jazz. You name it, the influence was there.
Enjoy your fame guys!